A One-Click Addict's Book Blog: The Chronicles of Moxie ZB Heller

Moxie Summers is a curvy, twenty-six year-old teacher who has not had the best track record with relationships. In a drunken stupor at a bar, she meets Miles who turns out to be her sparing equal, until she vomits all over his shoes. Just when she thinks things couldn’t get worse, her dream man turns out to be the single father of the newest student in her class. While fighting an attraction for Miles, Moxie’s conniving stepmother tries to advise Moxie she needs to get in shape if she’s ever going to catch the man of her dreams. To make matters worse a Girl Scout plans Moxie’s demise, a surprise party makes everyone blush, and then there was the skunk… Can Moxie overcome all the Girl Scout cookies, food poisoning and a showdown at Costco to get to Miles?

A few hours and way too many drinks later, I was slightly tipsy. Ok, that was a lie. I was piss-ass drunk. Renee didn't drink that much, as she’d offered to be tonight’s designated driver. That, and she knew I was desperately trying to erase the memories of ghosts of penises past.

“And what made that guy think that waxing his balls was sexy? Does he like pain? Does he think that smooth balls makes it easier to suck on?” I yelled in my drunken stupor.

Did I mention that I’m a loud stupid drunk?

Renee laughed. “I think you should take a bar poll about hairy balls.”

“Exactly!” I slammed my hand on the table. “These are very important issues that must be discussed. Fuck foreign policy, if they have hairy balls, then they shouldn’t be running countries!”

Right then the bar door opened and a very fine looking specimen walked towards the bar. He was all man from the top of his head to the bottom of what had to be a size sixteen shoe. He was tall, about 6’4”, with brown hair, cut short on the sides and messy on top. His hair screamed I really don’t give a fuck, but I still look perfect anyways. He was wearing a blue button-down shirt with its sleeves rolled to his elbows and that showed off his thick biceps, and jeans that curved perfectly around his firm ass. He also sported a five o’clock shadow on his face that I wanted to lick all over.

I pointed a finger at him.

“Hey, you!” I yelled. “Yeah, you with the tight ass. Do you have hairy balls or smooth balls?” I staggered out of the booth towards him.

“Excuse me?” the Adonis said. His ocean blue eyes were gazing back at me and had me breathless. Well, I think it was one pair of eyes. Again, the alcohol was having an impact on me deciphering between human and alien.

“Smooth or hairy? Lay it out for me,” I slurred. The room looked like it was starting to sway a bit.

“Umm, last time I checked I didn’t think it was appropriate to talk about someone’s balls.” He smiled, playing along.

Dear God. When the Adonis smiled, it was like the gates of heaven opened and the heaven lights shone down upon him. A choir of angels was singing and little cute cherubs flew around shooting arrows. Or maybe that was a fly buzzing by. Again, I wasn’t quite sure because I was so wasted.

“Testicles are an important part of the human body,” I continued to ramble. “They hold the special sauce that makes babies, and babies are cute.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m familiar with the workings of the male testicles, considering I’m a man.”

“I know you’re a man!” I screeched. “But all men suck and they don’t like the word dildo!”

The Adonis moved so close to me that I’m sure he was able to smell the multiple martinis I had consumed. He smelled divine, like musk and sweet cologne. He spoke softly, so only I could hear him. “Well, maybe those men don’t

know what kind of pleasure you can give a woman using a dildo, while she begs you for the real thing.”

Holy shit. I stared at him, speechless. My whole body started to burn and I felt my cheeks flush. I didn’t quite know how to respond to that, so I said the first thing that came to my lips. “I like pussies.”

“Excuse me?” He smirked, putting one hand in his pocket and the other on the bar.

“I mean puppies! Puppies are cute and you’re cute. You remind me of a dog, a big wet slobbery dog. Maybe one of those bulldogs with the spiked collar.”

At that point my foot was so far implanted into my mouth, I could taste my toenail polish. After that, there was no backtracking. I could only go out with my head held high and my tits pointing out.

“Well, sir, thank you for taking part in the poll of the week at this lovely establishment. Simon, this nice man deserves a drink.” I quickly walked back to the booth where Renee was trying, not very hard, to hold back her laughter.

“How bad?” I asked.

“Well, on a scale of one being an embarrassment to ten you being a complete stupid fucker, I would give it a fifteen.”

“Why didn’t you shut me up, you wench?”

“And miss out on the very important bar poll? Never.” She laughed.

I dared myself to look back at the Adonis, who was now sitting at the bar, shooting the shit with Simon. Even though I was drunk enough not to feel my feet, looking at this man made my cocoon of love stir and I wanted his caterpillar nestled in it.

Renee pulled me out of my butterfly-themed daydream. “So, Moxie, are you going to give Joel another shot?”

“Another shot of what? Steroids to make his dick grow larger?” I sneered.

“I thought steroids are supposed to make your balls shrink,” Renee said thoughtfully.

“In that case maybe he needs some of that mutant shit that Superman takes.”

“You mean kryptonite? I thought that stuff kills him.”

“My point exactly,” I mumbled.

“Listen, why don’t I drive you home and we can put on a sappy romantic comedy and eat all those Girl Scout Thin Mints you have?” Renee smiled.

I did have a large number of Thin Mints. My student, Katie, was selling them at school. I told her I couldn’t buy any, that I was watching what I was eating. She then said she was also watching what I was eating and the Snickers I had at lunch looked pretty good. Since when was it ok to blackmail your teacher? She made a killer sale on that one.

“I have a better idea. Why don’t we go to my place, watch porn and make fun of fake boobs and fugly men on there? Oh, and also eat all the Thin Mints I have.”

“Sounds like a plan,” she laughed.

We both got up from the booth and started to head out. As we were walking out, I caught the Adonis’s eyes burn into me like a branding iron. I started to feel the world spin, thinking that his beauty was making the earth’s axis turn.

“Thanks again for taking part in my very informative poll,” I said to him, slugging his shoulder.

“And what do I get for adding my two cents?” he said, taking a long sip of his beer.

Oh, so he wanted to play hardball? Well, I had hope something of his was hard. I watched his lips as they curled around the glass. His lips were smooth and all I wanted to be was the chapstick he used to make them that way. In my mind, I imagined those lips tasting and drinking in the wetness between my legs.

“You get the knowledge that you’ve made a difference in the world of hairy balls,” I slurred, wanting to lick the beer from his tongue.

He stood up from the bar stool he was sitting on and stood in front of me. His massive frame didn’t scare me. In fact, it made me want to climb all over him as if he was a jungle gym. “What’s your name?” he asked, brushing a piece of hair that was stuck to my cheek.

The room started to spin very quickly when he touched my face. I was about to answer him, but instead of words, I threw up all the drinks that were meant to erase the nightmares of my dating life. Right in front of my Adonis’s feet.

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Amy's Review

I was given Moxie as a gift and have gotten to know the author pretty well, even met her in person a few weeks ago.

Given that aside, Moxie is a girl everyone needs to be friends with, she is outspoken, caring, frustrated and just downright hilarious. This book is super funny and you will laughing and swooning all thru this book. Can't wait for the next book to come out!

As a little girl it was always a dream for Z.B. Heller to become She-Ra Princess of Power. Since this dream was unobtainable, she spent what was probably way to long in college trying to "find herself". Becoming an artist scratched the creative itch until the stories in her head were getting to be to loud for her to get anything else accomplished. She lives in St. Louis with her husband, son and Flemish Giant rabbit Chloe. In her spare time she likes to read, stalk celebrities on Twitter and create the type of art that people scratch

their heads about.